In fact, it's almost been a year. Perhaps there is something about January that makes me sad.

I have so many questions I want the answer to, but no one who I can ask. There are few people I trust, and feel I can talk to, and these are the people I love the most, so I cannot afford to show them the real me (This is the benefit of shouting my darkest feelings into the mindless abyss that is the internet).

How do you know what love is, when you have never had a romantic relationship with anyone? With my total lack of any sexual experience, how can I know what my feelings are? I see other people in relationships, and I'm in awe at how badly people allow themselves to be treated, but how can I know I would be any better, or how can I know I would not mistreat any potential lover? I like to think I would be the perfect partner, and I can't see how I would cause a woman to argue with me, but why would I be any different?

I would to know whether my state of mind is shared by a lot of people, or by nobody. Do people find that it is better to feel something heart-wrenching, than nothing at all? I get the feeling the answer is yes. Emotions define us, so feeling nothing means we are nothing. But do normal people subject themselves to more heartbreak, just so they can feel something? Do normal people relive missed opportunities over and over again, purely so they can have something to think about that isn't mundane? Maybe these feelings will disappear when I go back to school, and I have work, and new opportunities to think about, but for now, I'm bored, and that makes me feel so empty that I can't bear to attempt to get to sleep, because I'll be alone with mundane thoughts.

But I don't know if I can think about her any more. I still feel in love with her (But is it love? How can I know?), even though I haven't spoke to her for over 3 years. 5 years ago, someone told me that this girl liked me, and I didn't act on it. I regret it so much, but for some reason I think that, 5 years on, she might still have feelings for me, and if I could just strike up a friendship with her, I could go back to happier times. But she has a boyfriend. I was unaware of really how long they had been an item. I thought it was a year, but recently it has come to my attention that it has likely been three years, just not officially that long.

This changes things massively. A 1 year relationship at university is nothing, there's no indication it will be long term, but three years? Sticking with each other all of that time? It could be love. That kills me. Whether or not I love her, I have never felt stronger feelings for another person. Even though I have only seen her face through a computer screen for the past 3 years, my feelings have not diminished. If she is in love with another person, my dreams, my dedicated thoughts for the past 3 years, have all been wasted. There will be no happy ending here.

The last time I had my heart broke, it was due to a 6 month obsession, and I almost cried. This obsession has been almost 9 years in the making, and I cannot fathom how much it will hurt if I ever hear the fateful news that she is engaged to someone else. But I feel it is close. Only recently did I discover the extent of their relationship, and that has brought the walls crashing down, and I am constantly fearful that her and her boyfriend will take things to the next level.

She visited me in a dream the other day, as if to taunt me, but she was as beautiful as ever, almost angelic. Maybe that is what brought this all on, and maybe once I return to my usual schedule I will forget this dream, and remember all the wonderful relationships I have with people who I am much closer to. But this side of me is still lurking beneath. It came out last year around this time, and it will probably come out again. Also, knowing how obsessive I get over women, how can I hope to form a relationship that is more than just friendship, and massive secrecy about my true feelings?

Don't get me wrong, the obsessive, stalkerish side of me has never actually been close to manifesting in real life, and I am fully capable of concealing it, and maintaining what I would call a normal friendship with a girl. And also, I would never consider myself to be the suicidal type, even with such unresolved issues kept buried within. But even without physical consequences for my mental anguish, part of me dies every time I learn of the latest person who can no longer be mine. I feel more and more numb, and it will become harder and harder to rejoin to ranks of normal people pursuing normal and realistic sexual relationships.

I don't even think this has made me feel any better as I'd hoped it would, so I will sleep now in the hopes of waking up sane.

I think I will finish by saying, regardless of how her relationships turn out, I love her, and I sincerely hope that she is happy with her boyfriend. My own happiness is insignificant if she is with her true love. I'm just sorry it can't be me.

xx

EDIT: Somehow managed to have another dream about her last night. Probably didn't help obsessing about her all of yesterday evening. Still I enjoy the depressing dreams in a weird way. At least I can feel, even if what I feel is something that is tearing me up inside.

EDIT 2: Make that another dream about her. That's 3 this week, and 2 on consecutive nights. Strange.

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